Pass the ear plugs…….

Just been downstairs to the shop to see if I could find something for today’s lunch (no luck) + see if Postman Pat had been and brought me any mail today…. which he has, but just looks like something from NatWest bank.

The dippy limp wristed “victim support” lot have sent some annoying crap, including a stupid bloody “personal attack alarm”…. which the old git’s (my Dad) trying to force me, under duress to take with me next time I go to the bank for him……. geesh, he’ll probably be trying to force me to wear a dress + a bloody handbag next!
They’ve also sent a chime thingy that goes off when the door is opened, and it makes an annoying noise, similar to one of them musical greeting cards, or one of them reversing alarms…….. only worse. =\

Does anyone know the best way of shoving these bloody things up a “victim support” councillors rectum? >:(

F***ING THIEVING C**TS!!!!!!!!!

Stolen in a walk-in theft from the flat above the family grocery store on 31st May 2007 between 2:30pm – 4:45pm:

1x Nokia N-Gage mobile phone / Handheld games console (“Classic” version, not “N-Gage QD”)
Contained “Nokia Game” MMC memory card (as supplied with the console when new) with “FLO BOARDING” game (with some of my own files saved in the spare space on it) + a VODAFONE SIM card which no longer works after the “PAY AS YOU GO” account for it expired due to a technical fault involving having trouble getting a signal incurred since having the thing reflashed @ FONEFIX UK in York around August/September 2005, and having not made an outgoing call on it for 3-6months. Battery (Nokia BL-5C) flat at time of theft.
IMEI CODE: 351521000959122

1x Nintendo DS (original, aka “DS Fat”), in silver.
Paint was starting to fade around left side of control pad
Possible dead pixel on one of the screens, I think the bottom one
serial No. not available

1x “NEW Super Mario Bros” game cartridge for Nintendo DS (inside DS Game cart slot at time of theft)
Game save slot one saved @ Level 2 or 3 (when left off last time I played it), with about 75-80(ish) lives left having already run through and completed that saved game more times than I can be bothered to count!
Game save slot two saved @ Level 4
Game save slot three = empty

1x “The Simpsons: Road rage” game cartridge for “Nintendo Gameboy Advanced”.
Was in the “Gameboy Advanced” (GBA) cartridge slot at the front of my Nintendo DS @ time of theft (largely bought ‘cos it was cheap + I wanted something to fill that slot).

Both handheld consoles (Nintendo DS + Nokia N-Gage) are without chargers (due to the fact the theiving little twats left them where they were)

UPDATE: (5th June/5:10pm BST) – still no sign of the motherf*ckers, but suddenly remembered that the serial number on the Nintendo DS started with “S212”

Dumbass proof guide on how to fly fish….

It’s a bit of a long & complicated subject, so I’d highly recommend trying to get your hands on a copy of a book called “JOHN BAILEY’S COMPLETE GUIDE TO FLY FISHING” (which is a REALLY good book).
Here’s the ISBN numbers to help you find it on Amazon
ISBN-10: 1843305666
ISBN-13: 978-1843305668

but the general gist of how to go about it.
1) get all your gear together:
– Rod, Reel + Flyline…. usually a set-up with an AFTM weight rating of 5-6 or 6-7 will see you good for most types of freshwater fly fishing.
– Leader material…. personally I just use ordinary monofilament, instead of some of the more fancy ones. This is used to attach the fly to your fly line (which is too thick to pass through the eye of the hook, hence the need for leader material).

– Forceps…. used for unhooking fish with
– Priest…. if you intend to take fish home to eat (such as a trout), this is used to HUMANELY clonk it on the head, and put it out of it’s misery.
– Cap + polarised sunglasses…. essential largely for personal safety reasons (it’s better to accidently hook them when casting than it would be to hook your unprotected eyeballs, for example)….. they have the added benefit of reducing glare from the water and give you a better chance of spotting things under the surface.

– a selection of flies… these are used for bait, and are basically hooks that have been tarted up with various materials to make it resemble an insect of some description. The 2 main types (of which there are more varitions than you’d believe was humanly possible) are “Wet flies” which are fished under the surface of the water, and “dry flies” which are fished on the surface of the water.

– A couple of fly boxes…. basically used to safely store the flies you aren’t using inside your pocket or tackle box. Mine have foam inserts inside so you can neatly arrange them with the pointy bit of the hook stuck into them so you can easily see what you’ve got available without stabbing yourself in the fingers. I keep mine in 2 seperate boxes… one for wet flies, the other for dries (as otherwise I can never remember which are which)..

Step 2 is learning to cast….. the age old method is to practise in a field or your back garden (if it’s big enough)… at this stage you only need to set up the rod, reel + fly line… as these where all the casting weight is, and you don’t really need to bother with the leader + flies until you’re actually out fishing. Passers-by may think you might have escaped from the local mental hospital when they see you practising this way, but it does work.
One main thing to know when you first try fly casting is “never wear clothes with drawcords on them”, because unlike other forms of fishing, your flyline when you are casting & retrieving it is usually dangling round your feet (instead of being reeled tight back onto the reel)…. and as a result you usually end up getting the drawcords tangled up with your flyfishing line (which usually results in some rather colourful language while trying to untangle it all).
The other thing you should be on your guard for, is I found the flyline usually falls back down through the rod rings / line guides (whatever you prefer to call them) the first few times you try it.

To start off casting, grip the handle of the rod in your right hand (or in your left if left handed), then pull enough line off the reel until it’s about down to your knees… then with the thumb & forefinger of your left hand, grip hold of the line so the bit nearest the first rod ring / line guide is tight (and the bit nearest the reel is hanging down)…. flick the rod up, so the end of the line is behind you, then you got to start flicking it back and forth to build some casting energy into the rod (it’s a bit like hammering in a nail with a hammer)……. then eventually on a forward thrust (timing is critical) release the line from between your fingers and it should get the line out.
It’s actually a little more complicated than that, and better explained in the book I suggested. Most experts liken the stages of positioning the rod during casting to the face of a clock (e.g. 12 O’Clock = rod pointing straight up, etc).

Once you’ve figured out how to flycast, and get some distance, the next stage is trying to work on doing it with some accuracy (I usually try to pick a target, and cast to it).

After that (usually achievable with a couple of hours practise), it’s usually best to book a couple of sessions with a flycasting instructor to go from being able to do the basic idea of doing it, to actually being good at it.

Step3… is when you actually get out fishing. It’s probably best to start off at an artifically stocked lake / reservoir rather than a wild river, and to take only the bare essentials as when fly fishing you usually have to be prepared to stay mobile and go looking for the fish, rather than casting at a random piece of water, hoping a fish comes to you…. it also gives you chance to see what insects are flying around near the water, to give you an idea of what the fish are feeding on, so you can try find a good match among your selection of flies.
After that it’s fairly straight forward…….. just try stick to a 1 fly set-up, rather than try to be clever with a 2 – 3 fly set up until you’ve got the hang of it (otherwise you stand more chance of getting in a tangle) + also take a good look around before starting to cast to make sure you ain’t gonna take someone out with your fly if you make a balls-up.

(based on a reply I gave on YAHOO Answers, after I succumbed to boredom and give the dump one last strike before it’s out).

If I won £10million on the lottery…….

I been thinking of this rather alot lately, and here’s what I’ve thought up so far……..

£950,000 in my Halifax Websaver account, so if the interest rate stayed at it’s current 4.75% that’d be £45,125 a year interest earned on it (a nice little annual wage) + the same again in my old Liquid gold account (£9,120 a year in interest – should pay for the christmas shopping I guess)

That leaves £8,100,000 to play with, so knock off another £30,000 to max out my allowance for holding premium bonds (seeing as I’m firmly of the belief that once you strike it rich, you try to ensure you stay filthy rich) = £8,070,000

Take another £1million and split between the 35 or so friends & family on my Christmas card list (about £28,571 each)

After that, it’s playtime with the remaining £7,070,000
Driving lessons & tests = £350
Pair of fully restored Mini coopers c. £20,000
MG Midget c. £6000
Ferrari 348 c. £30,000
Ferrari F355 c. £40,000
Ferrari F430 c. £169,000
Toyota MR-2 Series2 c. £3,000
Vauxhall Zafira VXR £23,000 (to go fishing in)
Lotus Elise c. £10,000
pair of fully modded Series1 & 2 Subaru Impreza Turbo’s c. £20,000
Nissan Skyline GT-R R33 V-Spec c. £5,500
= £326,500 worth of motors + maybe set aside another £750,000 on insuring them + building a HUGE barn to store them in / work on them.

So, that’d leave another £5,993,500

Next up I think I’d blow $299,000 (£151,221) on this 1964 SAAB J35 DRAKEN jet fighter
Upto £100,000 on a custom built canal narrowboat
Princess50 Motorboat – £425,000

Finally, I guess I’ll just stick £1,125,000 (ish) on a house or two……. which leaves £4,192,279 earning about £4,192 a year interest in my bank account (typical 0.1% interest rate), which I guess I’d just spend on visiting Formula1 races when I felt like it or go visit my many online friends dotted around the world (or bring them over to see me).

Nearly forgot spending around £10,000 on fishing tackle so I was FINALLY fully equipped for once.

Best of all, I’d do my absolute best to rub in the fact I was now loaded and make every little tosspot who picked on me at school + every girl I knew since school who turned me down for brain dead lager louts extremely jealous.

Talk about taking ur bloody time…….

Back on August 25th 2006, I ordered a webcam off Amazon.com/Target for my best friend Michelle/Rainn’s birthday in early September, thinking it would arrive quicker that mailing one from here in England.

Quicker my ass……. after several e-mails alerting me of there being a delay, they finally sent the sodding thing on April 10th 2007, not long after she’d blinkin’ well moved after having her house repossessed.

Geesh……… I could have walked through the Channel Tunnel, trekked across Europe & Siberia, swam across the bloody Bering Straight, popped into California to pay my prison penpal Cindy a conjugal visit along the way, and still got a bloody webcam to Akron (Ohio) from England faster than that! Even if I made the sodding webcam myself by supergluing together all the individual atoms one-by-one it would have been faster.

Whatever you do, don’t light a match……

Been suffering so much gas since I got back from the Bookers Cash & Carry with the old git earlier tonight, that it feels like I could out-fart the kid I saw in a movie over the Christmas period, called Thunderpants

New drink I’ve tried (or had for first time in ages)….

End of last week I ordered some fizzy drinks (or “soda pop” as you lot over in the US would probably call it) from an online Health food store – http://www.goodnessdirect.co.uk (mention my “tell-a-friend reference number”, and they’ll send me some free chocolates if you place an order over £40. code = MJ23664W).

I first came across Fentiman’s products about 10yrs or so ago I guess, when my Dad ordered in some of their ginger beer from his Health food supplier Brewhursts (now trading as “Tree of Life”)……….. from what I recall it didn’t sell that quickly (I probably ended up drinking most of it), but it was damn good stuff………… several years later after going without, and making do with IDRIS + “D&G Old Jamaica” ginger beer, one night online a couple of months ago I got thinking “what the fuck was that one the old git used to stock called………….. Botanically brewed stuff……?”.
A wee bit of Googling around later and I came up with Fentimans, and being stocked at this online health food store (I’d ordered stuff off them before, last year).
Not only did they have the Ginger Beer, but they had a load of others from Fentimans, including this one: “Fentimans Curiousity Cola”.
Unlike the big 2 cola brands (Coke & Pepsi), the vast majority of ingredients are natural, and clearly stated on the bottle (rather than kept as a huge secret). They include:
– Fermented Ginger Root Extract
– Carbonated Water
– Sugar
– Catuaba Extract
– Gurana Extract
– Caramel (E150)
– Phosphoric Acid (E338)
– Cola Flavour 9594 (flavouring)
– Caffeine

It tastes completely different to the big brand rivals, in an extremely good way. Closest taste match I can think of would be them jelly cola bottles you see in the Woolworth “Pic n Mix” sweets display or the lesser known “silver cola balls”. And it has just the right amount of fizz.
Because of the way it’s created, it’s mildly alcholic……. though at around 0.5% no more alcoholic than a can of BASS Shandy, or that departed great “TOP DECK SHANDY” (wonder where the hell that went?).
Unlike the above 2 Shandy products*, however, it seems FENTIMAN’s Curiousity cola has a slight reviving effect….. or at least it did for me (was suffering from that cr*ppy groggy & achey feeling you sometimes get after taking a nap on the sofa).

If any of y’all (Alicia, Sammiejo, Rainn, Nichole B, Felicia, MellySmelly, etc) ever finally come visit, let me know in advance and I’ll order some in so you can try it too (if you’ve never had it before……… don’t know if it’s available where you are).

The manufacturer’s website is:

http://www.fentimans.com/

*Shandy = a soft drink made with a mix of Beer & Lemonade

UPDATE:

Just spotted it available for sale in the US via an Amazon.com retailer for $39 a case

HERE

Food X’s Quiz thingy I made a while back…..

The Food X’s Quiz

1) When picking out fruit flavoured sweets, do you opt for:
[X] Green (Lime, usually)
[] Red (Strawberry or Raspberry)
[] Purple (blackcurrant)
[] Yellow (Lemon)
[] Other:

2) Do you prefer:
[X] Peppermints
[X] Spearmints
[X] Any damn mint
[] Hate Mint flavoured stuff!

3) Given a choice, would you prefer to get fast food from:
[X] McDonalds
[] Burger King
[] Pizza Hut
[] Domino’s Pizza
[] KFC
[X] A British Fish & Chip shop
[] An Indian Take-away
[] A Chinese Take-away
[] Other:

4) Which chocolate do you like best?
[X] Cadbury’s
[] Mars
[X] Nestle
[X] Hershey’s
[X] MILKA (German brand)
[X] Ritter Sport (German brand)
[X] Kinder
[X] Ferrero

[X] Green & Black’s
[] Any Plain chocolate
[] Any Milk Chocolate
[] Any White Chocolate
[] Other:
[] Hate chocolate

5) What’s your favourite Ice Cream?
[] Vanilla
[] Chocolate
[X] Mint / Choc Chip
[X] Raspberry Ripple
[] Strawberry
[] Rum & Raisin
[X] Toffee / Fudge
[X] Butterscotch
[] Banana
[] Other:

6) What’s your favourite thing(s) for breakfast?
[] Plain Cornflakes / Rice Krispies
[X] Chocolate cereal
[X] Honey & Nut flavoured cereal
[] Cinnamon Cereal
[] Doughnuts
[X] Coffee
[] Tea
[X] Fried bacon / sausage(s) / egg(s) / Bread, etc
[X] Toast
[] Usually skip breakfast
[X] Other: Porridge

7) What’s your favourite fizzy drink(s)?
[X] Coke
[] Pepsi
[X] Dr Pepper
[] Sunkist Orange
[] Fanta Orange
[] Appletise
[X] Ginger Ale / Ginger Beer
[X] Dandelion & Burdock
[] 7.UP
[] Sprite
[X] Lemonade (clear)
[] Lemonade (Traditional cloudy stuff)
[X] Cherryade
[] Orangeade
[] Other:

8) Do you like Spicy food?
[X] Yes
[] No
[] Only if it’s only a little bit spicy
[] Only if it’s nearly spicy enough to blow ma head off

9) What’s your favourite Pie?
[] Pork Pie
[X] Steak Pie
[X] Steak & Kidney Pie
[] Chicken Pie
[] Chicken & Mushroom Pie
[] Pumpkin Pie
[] Lemon Meringue
[] Other Pie:
[] Don’t like Pie

10) What’s your favourite Tart? (filled pastry casing)
[X] Strawberry Tart
[] Lemon Tart
[] Custard Tart
[X] Yorkshire Curd Tart
[] Other Tart
[] Never tried any
[] Hate Tarts

11) What’s your favourite kinda cake?
[X] Plain Sponge
[X] Chocolate Sponge
[X] Ginger Cake
[X] Chocolate Gateau
[X] Black Forest Gateu
[X] Battenburg
[X] Madeira sponge
[] Fruit Cake / Christmas Cake
[X] Jaffa Cake
[X] Cherry cake
[X] Any Cake
[] Other:

12) What’s your favourite kinda biscuit / cookie?
[] Rich Tea
[] Custard Creams
[X] Ginger
[] Nice
[] Malted Milk
[] Oreo’s
[X] Bourbon Creams
[] Digestives
[] Chocolate Digestives
[X] Chocolate Chip
[X] Pink Wafers
[] Plain Shortbread
[] Fruit Shortbread
[] Other:

13) What’s your favourite booze?
[] Red Wine
[X] White Wine
[X] Champagne / Sparkling White wine
[X] Sherry
[X] Port
[X] Brandy
[X] Whiskey / Whisky
[] Vodka
[X] Beer
[] Tequila
[] Absinthe
[] Gin
[] Any, as long as it gets me drunk
[] Other:

14) Do you prefer:
[X] Whole Milk
[] Semi-Skimmed Milk
[] Skimmed Milk
[] Soya Milk
[] UHT Milk
[X] Chocolate Milkshake
[] Strawberry Milkshake
[X] Banana Milkshake
[] Hate Milk

JD’s Egg fried Rice recipe

Egg Fried Rice
Ingredients:
1 cup of Rice
1 Onion
2 cloves of Garlic (optional)
1 tin of Spam (optional)
1 Bell pepper (optional)
1 tablespoon of Soya Sauce (optional)
2 – 3 eggs
Cooking Oil

Kitchen tools needed:
1x saucepan of boiling water
1x large(ish) Frying pan
1x Measuring jug or a mixing bowl
1x Fork
1x Spatula
Bowl or Plate to put it on when you’ve finished cooking it

How to cook it:
Once the water in the saucepan has started to boil, tip the contents of the cup of rice into it.
Next, heat up the frying pan and add the oil
Chop the onion, put it in the fry pan. Next do the same with the Garlic & Bell pepper if you want to include them.
Break the eggs into the measuring jug or mixing bowl, and beat them with the fork.
Add the Spam to the frying pan if you wanna include it.

By now, 20minutes will have passed and the rice should be ready.
Drain the rice if necessary, then tip it into the frying pan with the rest of the stuff. Keep stirring, or you’ll burn it.
Pour the beaten egg over the rice and other ingredients in the frying pan…… keep stirring and turning the mixture until the egg has started to dry out.

Pour the tablespoon of Soya sauce over the mix, give it a quick stir and it is ready to serve & eat.

~ JD

Places I wanna take day trips to in 2K7

  1. The City of York (at least twice)
  2. Thornton-le-Dale, North Yorkshire
  3. Pickering, North Yorkshire
  4. Scarborough, North Yorkshire (aka “Algerinoland”)
  5. Robin-Hood’s-Bay, North Yorkshire